God, my friend sometimes I wonder if we can have a relationship I don’t feel you close and I continuously sin due to willingness of sin or not being able to have mental self-control. I feel far from you than ever and I want to be close like father daughter, and I can’t because, I am so gross. And that wall that I put up between us stops me from being able to have a better relationship with you so I feel like I’m at the end of the road and as far as I can go in my relationship with you due to my sin and mental health, so then I start wondering if my short life is even worth it because at this rate, it doesn’t seem like I’m gonna be going anyway then I start questioning how hard really is it to get to heaven? I think it’s harder than people are letting up , I hope I’m wrong. I am foolish. Just this morning I thought wow I never really read about you being close to any woman in the Bible on the same level as you were with all the men, like brothers ,and I thought I’ve got just being a woman going against me , let alone my heart so what’s the point? And then I remember the point is that I hope that my family and I , by your grace that it is sufficient, (and I know it is) I just don’t know if it will be given to us for whatever reason. And I got scared last night when I was reading in that book about people being lucky if they get 2 jubilees in their life, and I’m already at my first, And then I think about the times that they say in church that the more you suffer the more you are following God’s will and I have a hard time grasping that you don’t want us to enjoy anything in the land of the living, so I don’t know if that’s true either. and I sit here confused and not able to even have sanctified marriage bed due to my issues that I ask for deliverance from all the time. I pray that my family doesn’t have issues in Jesus name. and then I worry about my husband, your son M., and I hope that you are willing to let him live way past the age that his mom and dad passed away, as well as my kids and grandkids and son-in-law’s and me in Jesus name, I pray that both of my daughters are taken care of financially, and in every other way, and that all of us are forgiven by the Blood of Jesus and I pray that things are restored that were taken away by the Blood of Jesus. and I pray that familiar spirits are broken off my family, extended and I, and I pray that my youngest daughter is “seen” more by us her parents, and that my oldest daughter is “seen” more also , in ways that me and Mitch didn’t see them before due to business etc , And I know that on of my kids is trying to have a baby and Lord if she’s not ready let her be at peace with your will for her, that she’s not ready yet to stop overthinking and also heal my other daughter of allergies and whatever else is going on in her body, and until my oldest daughter of her UTI. Improve our relationship, Lord and my family’s relationships with you, and with each other, and and heal our finances and our mind bodies and souls, heal both my kids. Please heal their blood too, in Jesus name, we pray, all this, Amen and Hallelujah!